What to read when someone you love dies

Books and audio books I found hugely comforting some are about grief some just gave me a boost.

If you’d rather listen to this than read it, please play the audio (I don’t practice or edit, I just do, you’ll be able to tell that from the recording). There’s lots of recommendations and links so this is quite a long post, so, if you’re reading in email you might want to read on the web instead.

This week I got this text from a neighbour.

Sorry to ask and I hope this doesn’t bring up painful memories but my friend has just lost his mother and asked for any book recommendations that may help - do you have any? x

I was only too happy to help, books and audio books have been constant companions during the incredibly isolating journey of grief. Since my mum died in 2023 here’s what what I can remember reading and listening to (it’s been a messy old time and if something occurs to me later on I will come back and add it in). Some of these authors I searched for, or were recommended by friends, writers or podcasters, and others I serendipitously happened upon. Quite a few are about grief but some I bought because I needed a laugh or comfort, and found within their stories that the universe had lead me to them because they had something important to share with me about loss and life after someone you love dies.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

Before we get started I want to say I’m sorry. Be gentle with yourself, you’re changed forever. You not only have to grieve your loved one but the life and person you were before has gone too, and you’re facing a different future without them in it. The love doesn’t die, it’s still there, but in the early days I found myself wondering where has my mum gone?

What will bring you comfort is that friends and family, acquaintances and even strangers will turn up for you quite unexpectedly and stand beside you, cook for you, give you space, see you in the messiness of grief. You’ll appreciate human beings, nature and the beauty of life in a way you didn’t before. We can’t have joy without sorrow. Your life in time will grow around the grief, but it’s part of you now in your beautiful, wonderful, imperfect and sometimes sad life.

Books

You Are Not Alone: a new way to grieve By Cariad Lloyd

You Are Not Alone

This was the first book I read after my mum died. A couple of years ago Cariad Lloyd was on Sophie Ellis Bexter’s Spinning Plates podcast talking about her own podcast Grief Cast. I listened to all Sophie’s early podcasts when I was breastfeeding a lockdown baby (the guests are all working mothers). On day two of grief life, I remembered Cariad’s interview and listened to a lot of episodes on Grief Cast, the one that really stayed with me was with Lucy Porter on loosing her mum. Cariad’s opening words in You Are Not Alone are what I so needed to hear back then.

“So, welcome to the club. We know you didn’t ask to be here. But you will be okay. Because you are not alone.”

Cariad is an actor, comedian and author, and shares her own story of her dad dying when she was 15 in the book. The griefsters she’s interviewed since starting Grief Cast makes for an insightful and comforting collection of stories and advice from experts and comedians who have lived experiences and an observational take on life. The book focuses on the message that you can’t do grief wrong, and that though no two experiences of grief are the same, it good to remember you are not alone. I was so excited to get this book that after reading the first chapter I thought, this is so good, I could read this in one sitting. Ten minutes later I was asleep, not because the book is boring (it’s not, it’s excellent) but because grief is so tiring. I spent at least the first year sleeping or wanting to be asleep a lot of the time.

This Too Shall Pass By Julia Samuel

Julia Samuel MBE is like the godmother of grief and has her own Substack and podcast The Therapy Works which she does with her daughters Sophie and Emily who are also psychotherapists. This Too Shall Pass draws on Julia’s conversations with her patients to show how we can learn to adapt and even thrive during our most difficult and transformative experiences. That by understanding our own responses to change we can find ways to approach the challenges we face.

Julia is great on Instagram and during the first lonely months of grieving I was a regular follower, eager to get her Monday Morning Top Tips. I haven’t looked at them for many months now, and that’s OK, because my life is taking shape around the loss of my mum. But when I was feeling very lost and alone, Julia’s wise words were a lifeline.

The Poetry Pharmacy: Tried-and-True Prescriptions for the Heart, Mind and Soul by William Sieghart

I started therapy about six weeks after my mum died and I’m still going but now for very different reasons. My lovely therapist gave me The Poetry Pharmacy with instructions that when I feel I need guidance I can dip in and find a page and see what comes up, and feel wisdom and connection.

The poems and the discussions give you space for reflection and realisation. I usually look for a poem before bed, and like to think it’s a message from my mum and the universe, and feel seen, and loved, and held still.

Sauce Will Thicken on Standing by Rachael B.

I connected with Rachael many years ago on Twitter and became friends IRL. She performed a wonderful poem inspired by my last book A Country Nurse at the launch party at the Poetry Society Cafe. Rachael is a wonderful performance poet and Rachael B Writes is her Subtack (go check it out). So, another poetry book I still have on my bedside table is Sauce Will Thicken On Standing. It’s Rachael’s first published collection of poems and I use it in a similar way to the Poetry Pharmacy, to be with me during the ups and downs in life. I can always turn to a poem and welcome recognition and inspiration to push past doubts and fears.

The New Arrival by Sarah Beeson MBE

Full disclosure this is the first book I wrote with my mum. It turned ten this year and my oldest daughter asked to read it, so I too reread it for the first time in many years. Sarah Beeson MBE (my mum) was a truly inspirational person and I read the story of her early life through completely new eyes and really enjoyed it. I’d planned to do a read along to celebrate the book in March earlier this year, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready. So, I’ll quote a review from The Lady about The New Arrival.

“A beautifully written and moving memoir of life as a trainee nurse in a struggling NHS hospital in 1970s Hackney. Beeson’s daily life and the colourful characters she met are superbly described, and we begin to understand how her most difficult experiences were also some of the most rewarding. Her selfless dedication brought hope to her patients and made a difference to their lives. A comforting and inspiring read.”

Audio books

Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving By Julia Samuel

I listened to this audio book by Julia Samuel about a week after my mum died, and it is probably the best one I’ve encountered on understanding grief. I couldn’t wait for it to come in the post so I downloaded Grief Works and it was an instant balm to my grief stricken soul. Julia is so compassionate and knowledgeable of the emotions we experience as we continue to live whilst loving someone who has died, and enter into a one-sided relationship with them. She offers clear advice on how to comfort ourselves and others. The book uses moving stories of clients Julia has supported which help cast light on our own experiences. Julia’s work has helped me to find the language and understanding to support myself and recognise that need in others.

The Other Mother by Jen Brister

Comedy is a true tonic when you’re grieving. I listened to Jen Brister read her hilarious memoir of being the The Other Mother with her partner Chloe to their twin boys. What I hadn’t expected was that Jen’s own mother died recently; hearing other people voice that loss and experience does seem to really help. I listened to the whole book in two days, whilst getting back into my own motherly role of cooking and looking after my family.

I really struggled with preparing meals, shopping, doing housework in the early days of grief. I totally overspent on Deliveroo takeaways and groceries, cleaners and babysitters on Bubble as I tried to fulfil my work obligations. I don’t have any family to lean on, and my lack of energy meant I had to pay for help. Rightly or wrongly I still feel a lot of guilt about that, but I’m working on it. Once I’d arranged the funeral and packed up my mum’s place (mainly alone, as my children didn’t want to be there and my husband needed to stay with them at home), I needed the company, and audio books provide that beautifully, especially when the writer is reading her own story. Trying to figure out how to continue to be a mother when I’d lost my own mother is an ongoing issue for me.

Jen’s take on being a parent who feels they don’t fit the mould of a traditional 2.4 family is very funny and honest, and truthfully who has a “normal” family?

Bonkers: My life in laughs by Jennifer Saunders

I came to Bonkers because I used to love watching Absolutely Fabulous with my mum (I wish we’d gone to see French & Saunders live when we’d had the chance. Last year I did go and see Dawn French in stand up at the London Palladium, my mum would have loved it). Jennifer Saunders’s memoir as you would expect is very amusing. It made for good company as I got back into the swing of domestic life whilst grieving. And it felt like a connection with my mum somehow. The book does have occasional heartaches but it is brimming with riotous adventures with Dawn French and Joanna Lumley. It also made me feel a lot better on the topic of procrastination and not having a proper plan. Especially as I called this Substack I Need To Finish This Before I Die as my own call to action.

The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion

Narrated by Vanessa Redgrave The Year of Magical Thinking is the play adapted from Joan Didion’s memoir. The loss of Didion’s husband and daughter is a cathartic tale of cool observation that takes listeners on a journey through heart shattering loss, denial and resilience. The tricks we play on ourselves to cope with a stark and unwanted reality will instantly resonate with anyone who has loved and lost. I didn’t mean to buy the play I was looking for the memoir, but often found myself getting mixed up on the internet in the early days of grief. Clearly I was meant to listen to this.

A Pocketful of Happiness by Richard E Grant

Richard E. Grant reading A Pocketful of Happiness transformed my experience of living joyfully after loosing someone who meant everything to me. It is the most beautiful, witty and honest account of the couple’s life together from beginning to end. The flashbacks mixed in with his beloved wife Joan’s cancer diagnosis, treatment and ultimately her death, is a roller coaster of emotions featuring a cast of well known figures from stage and screen. She set him a challenge: to find a pocketful of happiness in every day, and that is something we can all do, no matter how bleak the prospect of the day might feel. I adore how indiscreet he is in sharing his dairies and his recollections are full of fun and life embracing. The recognition of what it is like to be by the side of a person you love wholeheartedly at the end of their life, the beauty and sorrow, even now moves me to tears. I thank the universe for Richard sharing their story.

Living the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

I might have to go back and read this book next year because I didn’t know who Julia Cameron was. So I just listened not knowing it was as six week programme as part of creative recovery. Lately, I’ve been feeling that I am in recovery from my mum dying so it was surprising to learn that this book also has exercises on getting guidance from loved ones who’ve died. On how to tune in and hear their advice and presence in your life. That strongly appeals to me, but it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, I know.

A very no-nonsense friend of mine who is a TV producer sent me a link to the audio book of Living The Artist’s Way after reading my Substack post Why Sometimes Being Being Is Ok with this comment on my post.

It’s really moving. Hang in there, Amy. Summer is coming. Keep resting. This is great [link to audio book].

I immediately bought the book. And text her a few’s weeks later.

Last night I wrote my wishes. This morning I started with the morning pages and guidance. Should I read The Artist’s Way?

To which she instantly replied.

Have you not read it! Of course!! Definitely read.

So I did. I am now working through The Artist’s Way and I’ll finish at Christmas. I think now I really will Finish This Before I Die.

Have you read or listened to any of these books? Please let me know in the comments. We’re on this journey together.

If you’d like to read any of my published books then please consider buying from my online bookshop. The New Arrival, Our Country Nurse and Happy Baby, Happy Family. To find out more about my life as Head of Storytelling visit Wordsby Communications.